Joke booth: Irish miscellany

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I was touring Ireland last summer in an old camper van and we were down in County Galway, seeing the Cliffs of Mor, and County Clare, and we were coming back and we were heading for Dublin and, of course, the signs are very sparse in that part of that country, and my wife said 'I think we're lost'. So I said well I'll ask the next person we see for directions.

So I saw an old gentleman sitting outside his cottage with a straw hat on and I pulled up and said 'Good afternoon! How do you get to Dublin from here? And he said 'Oh, no problem, my brother Joe picks me up every Friday'.

I had a letter from me mother last week, she's 92, and she sent me the letter and it said 'Dear Ed, I'm writing this letter very slowly because I know you can't read very fast. Your sister Mary had a baby in hospital last week. We don't know yet whether it's a boy or a girl so we don't know whether to call you an aunt or an uncle. Your grandfather is sending you his army overcoat. He said it would keep you warm in the winter with all the building work and that. But when he went to post it, it was too heavy, so he came back and cut all the brass buttons off. Now you'll find them in the right hand coat pocket. Your uncle Joe has bought a new house by the river, why don't you drop in sometime? We don't know the number but you'll find it on the gate when you come. But you won't recognise our house when you come home because we've moved'.

But my grandmother, she's 92 and a half, and she went to the doctor last week and said 'Doctor can you put me on the pill?' He said 'Why, you're 92 and a half'. She said 'I know, but I've got 27 grandchildren and I don't want any more, they're costing me a fortune'.

Your uncle Harry got knocked down in Dublin by a double decker bus. He's in hospital and the doctor said they got good news for him and bad news. He said 'do you want the good news or the bad news first?' He said 'I want the bad news first'. They said 'We had to take both legs off at the knees'. He said what's the good news? They said 'The bloke in the next bed wants to buy your new shoes'.