OU on the BBC: Nobody's Normal - Responses to Love is in the air

Finding a girl is an uphill struggle
I am a Dad of two girls, three and four years old. I often joke that they can leave the house when they are 35. Why? Well, I remember what I was like as a young lad, full of hormones; a liability. If my girls choose to have long term relationships with men, I don’t want them meeting someone like that!

Yet here, in this film, we have the mum who says "go for it" to her daughter who is clearly some years younger than 35. A Dad practising walking down the aisle with his disabled daughter as she tries on her wedding dress. The manager of a dating agency for people with learning difficulties offering the promise of, or least potential for, gay and straight, short and long-term relationships.

Our issues with disabled people having sexual relationships might well tap into long-held paternalistic concerns. But these take on a more sinister side when they also draw on stereotypes of disabled people as asexual, childlike and uninterested. The barriers keep on growing. Perhaps now is the time for all of us to give up on our inner protective parent!

It was good to hear and see the taboo broken – disabled people want love, sex and babies, just like non-disabled people.

Not only do they want it, but there is an increasing recognition within society that it is OK, it happens and it can be a good thing.

But to me this programme illustrated how far we still have to go to enable young disabled people to learn through experience how to engage in two-way relationships of all types and levels. The world of dominance by parents and service providers was all we saw, as if true love could be provided as part of a care package through the kindly intervention of a New Age Support Worker. It didn’t work.

Even the marriage of Kelvin and Ellie left me feeling uncomfortable. Sex and children were never mentioned. Indeed, Kelvin seemed pretty horrified by Ellie’s physical advances, and I wondered what it was really all about.

I suppose the non-disabled world would heave a collective sigh of relief if all disabled people paired up and vowed to keep each other happy for the rest of our lives and didn’t have children, but it isn’t going to happen.

Our real, messy, passionate lives are so much more exciting than that!

Many people would sum up their personal goals as to get a job, a partner and a family. But disabled people have been historically excluded from enjoying these ordinary experiences which give life value and meaning.

For example, disabled adults were often treated as if they were children. They haven’t been able to speak for themselves, they’ve been over protected, and they have been seen as asexual. In the past, it was feared that if disabled people expressed their sexuality, they would reproduce and bring more disabled people into the world.

Today, disabled people are increasingly living in the community, getting jobs, and leading independent lives. But people are still often excluded from relationships. They may be denied sex education, or face financial and physical barriers to participating in leisure activities. Confidence is the key to forming relationships, and some disabled people have low self esteem or have experienced prejudice. It’s not always easy to find fashionable clothes or make conversation.

But there is no reason why disabled people should not have a social life or find a partner. Many disabled people do have good relationships, fulfilling sex lives, and even children of their own. Service providers, families and society should work to make this a possibility for everyone.