2.6.1 Philip's essay
a reasonable understanding of the general issues Ellis deals with
a good basic structure
some good sequences of argument
a promising feel for language
fluency of expression
the wrong title and consequently a lack of focus
argument is loose-knit in places – some points are not relevant
occasionally misrepresents Ellis
uncertainty regarding the overall argument, so arrives at a weak conclusion
the language is artificial at times – striving for stylishness, instead of clarity
Overall, Philip's essay shows plenty of promise. He develops some useful ideas and has the makings of an effective writing style. However, there are some points to work on. If I were his tutor writing to him, this is what I would say.
Well done for getting yourself over the hurdle of sending in your first essay especially as it's such a long time since you last did this kind of writing. The essay shows a lot of promise. You obviously worked hard with the Ellis article and you have done a good sound job of getting your thoughts together for this essay. The structure is very solid and, what is more, you have a nice fluency to your writing which gives you a good base to build on.
Where you have come a bit adrift is in not working with the exact title you were set. This made it hard for you to come to a strong conclusion at the end. Also, as you will see from my notes on the script, there are some places where your line of argument could be strengthened. And you will need to spend a bit of time working on your punctuation, as well as a few other points of grammar and choice of words. None of these should present a major difficulty – they will gradually come right with practice. Just make a habit of reading my markings and notes carefully and then work out how you can make things read more easily.
Broadly, you are doing exactly the right thing – which is to pitch in and work as best you can with the ideas you have been reading about. As you keep doing this you will find your style getting sharper and your grip on your subject more secure. Keep up the good work.