Transcript

DANNY:

Hello, my name is Danny. And one day, I intend to rule this country: if that’s alright with you. And actually, even if it isn’t, because I am going to be a dictator. Get rid of that. Could we swap those two chairs around? Will you make that bigger? What do you guys think of this? We’re going to put that here. Probably bring this in quite a bit – this is quite wide, this street. It’s fine. Yeah, this is fine. That’s stupid, isn’t it? It’s not a chamber smell. There’s not much else.

No, it takes too long to run from there to here. Hope someone’s writing all this down. Please, do not worry. I will be a kind and fair dictator. I'll make old people happy. Have a flower. Have a flower. You have that?

LADY ON STREET:

Yeah, I do.

DANNY:

High five.

[LAUGHTER]

DANNY:

I’m great with foreign dignitaries. Welcome to Britain: have a pencil. Have a pencil.

MAN:

Thanks.

DANNY:

I will invent brilliant new laws. Hello!

TEENAGER AT BUSTOP:

Hello.

[LAUGHTER]

DANNY:

I’ll create nine day weekends. I will give Norfolk to the French. I will ban everything. Basically, I intend to make full use of my ultimate power.

Hello. Sorry about him. Slightly embarrassing. He’s just there to show you how things could have gone if, back in the old days, we’d decided on a different system. Change all that. Now, granted, dictatorships do have their advantages. You get a lot done. This is very nice. See, this is what I’m talking about. This is exactly what we need more of, these little boxes here.

But Britain has a democracy. Now, democracy means government by the people. It comes from the Greek word democracy, meaning: government by the people. In the UK, it means that, with a few exceptions, everyone over the age of 18 gets to vote. Now, who thinks we should stay for another? Carried. Vote Danny.

Each vote is important, which is why politicians spend so much time and energy knocking on doors, handing out leaflets, and finding tiny babies to kiss. They need to persuade us that they’re the best person for the job of representing us in Parliament.

BYSTANDER:

Vote for Danny, yeah?

WOMAN ON BENCH:

Who’s Danny?

DANNY:

Parliament comes from the French word for Parliament.

You’ve not researched this hugely, have you?

Leave it, I’m working. Now, like the Lord of the Rings, Parliament comes in three sections. You’ve got the House of Commons, you’ve got the House of Lords, and you’ve got the Queen, God bless her. Though these days her powers are mainly theoretical.

Doesn’t sound very fair.

She doesn’t mind. She’s a very busy woman. So the main two are the House of Commons and the House of Lords. And together, they are responsible for making new laws and repealing old ones.

Sounds fairly easy.

I’m a dictator. I’m going to try and revolutionise the country. I need some rules, some laws.

What would your first rule be if you were in charge of the country?

MAN AT MARKET:

Stop pollution.

DANNY:

Stop pollution? More tea houses and more buses. OK. Well, I mean, I’m going to need help with this. So can I leave that with you?

LADY MERCHANT:

The first law would be to get Martha out of the market, because she drives me crazy.

[LAUGHTER]

DANNY:

Right, where is she? Right, where is she? I’m going to sort this out. Get out of the market. What ideas have you got? What strategies have you worked out?

MALE MERCHANT:

I really haven’t thought about it to that extent, I’m sorry.

DANNY:

Do you like it? It’s good, isn’t it? I can get you one of these. Democracy. It’s got its place, I think. It’s quite nice, we all have a say. But it’d just be quicker if I’m doing it, what do you think of that?

So, it seems like the upside of being a dictator is also the downside. It seems like everyone’s quite happy for me to do all the work myself. Maybe I’d like to share it out a bit. So perhaps a parliament’s not a bad idea. Get some other people involved. You know, get myself a house full of lords, get myself a house full of commoners.

Now, what’s the difference between the House of Commons and the House of Lords?

I like these.

I don’t know. What is the difference between the House of Commons and the House of Lords?

It’s not a joke.

Well, the House of Commons is made up of 646 elected members of Parliament who each represent an area of the UK known as a constituency, or: seat. That – that was a joke.

Now, every four years or so, very excitingly, there’s a general election, which determines which MPs will be taking a seat. Once elected, it’s their job to represent the interests of their constituency while taking part in the crazy rough and tumble of parliamentary debate, the passing of laws, and the controlling of government spending.

Now, the House of Lords, well that’s different. Unlike the House of Commons, its members are unelected. Most of them are life peers. Some used to be MPs, but a lot are experts from outside the world of politics. Scientists, lawyers, people like that. But never, controversially, astronauts.

Like the Commons, the Lords help make our laws. But they also look at the small print of every bill to make sure they’ll work using microscopes and tiny magnifying glasses. Now, both the Lords and the Commons have committees, which look at subjects in more detail and publish important reports.

What, like school reports?

Kind of, like school reports. Yeah, you know. They might tell the government, you must try harder, you could do better. Or, if they’ve been really bad, see me later.

Right. So am I just big thick, or are all those people in government? Well, put simply, you’re just being thick.

Right.

Government is part of Parliament. But being in Parliament doesn’t mean you’re in government. With me?

Right, well. You’re with me. That’s the important thing.

Right. This bit, I do know. At the end of every general election, one political party will emerge victorious. They’ll sign a two album deal, and the single will be released the following month. Hang on, no, no. That’s Pop Idol.

The political party that wins the most seats in the House of Commons is invited – by the Queen – to form a government. Dear Danny, please form a government. Love, the Queen. PS, bring a bottle.

So, the leader of the party, who is now the Prime Minister, gets to choose a cabinet.

I'll have that one.

Not that type of cabinet, clearly. What you’ve done there is, you’ve misunderstood delivery, haven’t you? For comic effect?

Yep.

So, the cabinet is a group of people with expertise. Senior ministers who, along with various junior ministers, are responsible for running the different government departments – education, health, defence.

‘De-fence?’ What? This fence?

Yeah, well.

Right. So my cabinet is a bit like my gang. I’m the leader of that gang. I like that, it’s good. I’ll be Prime Minister, then. Finally, I will have ultimate power.

Ah, but will you?

Yes.

Ah, but will you though?

Yeah.

But will you?

Yes.

No. Because you’re forgetting about: Parliament. Now, one of its most important roles is to keep an eye on what government’s up to, so that people like you can’t just go around inventing laws about making old dogs wear hats or abolishing shoes.

Government can’t just do whatever it likes. Parliament is like its mum. Except, government can stay up a bit later.

Right. So I can’t be a dictator?

No.

And even if I’m Prime Minister, I’ll have to do as the people say?

Yeah.

Right. So, is there any way whatsoever, that I can wander around wielding massive power, completely unelected, and get to wear quite a smart uniform in a semi-military fashion?

Well.

[CAR ALARM]

Most importantly, Parliament is not about the Palace of Westminster. It’s not about huge, imposing buildings. Because really, Parliament could be anywhere. They could meet down in the pub or in a shed in Swindon. That’s not the important thing. The important thing is the concept. Parliament is the expression of the will of the people. It’s democracy in action, looking out for our best interests. Whether elected MPs or unelected lords, their job is the same – to represent you and me.

Well. Not just you and me, clearly. That would be – that would be weird. They represent everyone. Even him.

CAR OWNER:

What are you doing?

POLICE OFFICER:

Whoa, hey. You’ve got – pick that up.

CAR OWNER:

Pick that up?

POLICE OFFICER:

Hey, hey.

DANNY:

Probably, put two wheels on these. And then you could probably – you could use that as a bike then. That’s good. Make a note of that. I think this is a good idea. I think I’ll implement this, just keeping the bollards warm, with various rugs. That’s, that makes sense. That makes sense. I’d probably um – probably just have another bit here that just says ‘please’. Just there, just ‘please’. Because I mean that – that’s just rude.