4.4 Watching, listening and learning
In the examples in Section 4.3 you have learned about the needs of children who are recovering from specific experiences such as the trauma of war, as well as a visual impairment and an ongoing condition, Down’s syndrome. You will see that there is a need to have knowledge of the experiences and conditions in order to be able to respond to the needs of each child. It is important to be able to recognise their agency, competence and unique way of making sense of the world.
Activity 4.5 Working with Darren
Timing: Allow 20 minutes
Listen to Elizabeth Henderson describing an experience working with Darren, a young child who had been labelled as violent. This is an account of something that happened many years ago. Reviewing this, Elizabeth reflects deeply on her experience of supporting him.
Download this video clip.Video player: Video 4.4
Transcript: Video 4.4 Working with Darren
ELIZABETH:
So I'll tell you about Darren, the wild boy. The first day arrives and the bright green minibus stops at the foot of the path. We can all see the expectant faces of the children and one boy stands out to me, his dark mop of curly hair and cherub-like face distinguishing him from the others who are smaller and thinner.
This is Darren, whose violent reputation precedes him. I know that if this project doesn't help him calm down, he won't be allowed to enter his local nursery. Labelled violent at two, where does he go from here? I fetch Darren from the minibus and he looks dazed. The air is cold and crisp and the children are already wearing their snowsuits to keep them warm.
Singing the bear hunt song, my team walk back to the nursery garden hand-in-hand with the children who are all entranced. I stop inside the gate and stand quietly beside Darren. He remains motionless, wide eyed. I watch silently as he looks in wonder at all the outdoor toys the water shoot, the climbing tower, the little trikes, the sandpit full of buckets and spades, the climbing trees, the outdoor house. He seems afraid to move and somewhat overwhelmed.
Taking his hand gently, I begin to walk around the nursery site, chatting as we go, introducing him to all the nooks and crannies. Finally, we arrive at the big autumnal leaf pile at the bottom of the garden. He stands and stares, his mouth silent and open and his eyes wide. He seems mesmerised. Looking at his bright eyes, it's hard to believe that at just two and 1/2 years old, he's seen things in his life that no child should ever see.
Two girls are standing by the leaf pile looking. So I quickly grab a big heap of leaves and scatter them over their heads like a shower. They immediately giggle and imitate me. Darren watches without moving.
We continue to play and eventually he joins in throwing the leaves everywhere. Then pushing one of the two-year-old girls into the heap, he aggressively rubs leaves across her face and in her eyes. She kicks him. He kicks her back. And I spontaneously hoist a massive pile of leaves calling, watch out. Here comes a leaf storm.
As all three emerge from the leaf pile, they throw leaves over me and then each other. Darren stops suddenly and looks at me quizzically as if to say, ‘is this really OK’? He's checking the boundaries. I didn't shout at him. I didn't reprimand him.
I didn't get angry. I just played. Then, I laugh and we continue throwing leaves and rolling in them before moving on.
Some three weeks later, Darren walks over to the big wooden water shoots in the garden joining some other children who are racing little boats, shells, leaves, and plastic ducks from top to bottom. I watch him scream with laughter and excitement, finally falling over in a fit of giggles. The water bucket is still in his hands.
As I help him pick up the buckets, we bump heads and for a moment he stops and looks straight into my eyes. What does he want?
I feel the question in his gaze and warmly smile back in response and then listen as my inner thoughts spontaneously arise. Yes, I can see you. I can see you. It's going to be OK.
Some heartbeats pass as we acknowledge this in silence. Then, moments later, Darren runs back to the water chute laughing.
Sitting in my car before driving home from nursery that day, I take my notebook from my bag. And in a fiery, tear-filled rage, I write, Darren, the wild boy, often bit children. Darren trashed the nursery room and then he ran amok. Darren's first protection order is like a first tattoo, marking, etching, and defining his life chances at two. I'm angry. Can you hear me?
On another visit, running up the path, Darren launches himself into my arms and hugs me, then runs into the garden to play. It's a fine day and the air is unusually warm for this time of year. Later from a distance, I notice him lying down in the long grass stroking it from side to side. He's being very gentle.
First, he parts the grass and he flattens it to one side. He slowly lifts his hand and he watches as the grass springs up again. He seems wistful, far, far away in his thoughts and repeats the action over and over again.
Eventually and slowly, I walk over to be nearer him. And noticing me, he turns and says, ‘Sometimes mummy lies down a lot. Sometimes she doesn't get up.’ He strokes the grass again and he lets it spring up.
‘But I'm not ill and I can stand as tall as that tree. I'm just like the big tree.’ Running up to the big tree the bottom of the garden, he throws his arms around it, smiles and hugs it.
Darren's mum sleeps for long periods of time on the sofa. Recently, she has escaped a violent partner, but still struggles with addiction and depression. Having moved to the city with her partner some years ago, she is now alone and far away from her family and their support.
Video 4.4 Working with Darren
Interactive feature not available in single page view (see it in standard view).
Discussion
I am respected and treated with dignity as an individual.
Elizabeth talks about respecting Darren by focusing on the gifts he brings. She looks to understand his experiences and make connections to his behaviour. She treats him as a complex individual responding to a difficult situation. She sees his distress.
I feel safe and I am protected from neglect, abuse or avoidable harm.
Darren has experienced being unsafe and there may be concerns about his mother’s wellbeing. Staff are aware of this and want to support him to make sense of this experience. He is able to acknowledge the difference between himself and his mum, which suggests he feels safe.
I experience warm, compassionate and nurturing care and support.
Elizabeth describes the emotional warmth and care she provides. Emotional labour is hard work.
Now listen to Elizabeth’s reflection on her response to Darren.
Download this video clip.Video player: Video 4.5
Transcript: Video 4.5 Reflection on response
ELIZABETH:
Darren wasn't an easy child. But I do have to say, it made it easier that I fell in love with him on the first day. I took one look at his face, and despite what I had been told about him, which was pretty awful I was told he trashed rooms, and he bit other children and was probably not going to be allowed to start nursery because his behaviour was so bad but when I saw him, I could see in his eyes a wonderful, wonderful child.
So to go back to my question of who are you, I saw Darren as this absolutely wide-eyed child. Yes, he was living in a very difficult situation, but he was Darren. And I knew that he had brought gifts with him into the world. I just had to find them. And then I needed to help enrich his life by giving him the courage to be the best that he could be. And so I took my cue from him.
And I guess that brings us then to thinking about pedagogy then. What kind of pedagogy fits this sort of approach? And in current theories, that would be called relational pedagogies. When we're talking about relational pedagogy, we need to think about that space that we haven't predetermined it but that it can be open. And therefore, you're working with child, and you're being with child. And if you're being with the child, you're listening deeply. You're very attuned, and you're very sensitive to what the child needs.
But I also, being a Celtic soul myself, I also took my cue from O’Donohue's work on Anam Cara. And the Anam Cara is a soul friend. So it's the person to whom you can tell your troubles and the person that you know will listen to you but, more importantly, the person that you know can see you.
And when I bumped heads with Darren that day in the garden, it was a real moment of looking really close up to each other and looking straight into each other's eyes. And a part of me felt slightly uncomfortable because I felt naked in front of his eyes. I knew he could see through me, and I have my flaws like everybody else. But I wasn't sure if he knew that I could see him.
And therefore, I could hear myself having this conversation, saying, ‘Darren, I can see you. I can see you. And it will be OK’. I really wanted to say, ‘You're actually an amazing child. You've got such a love and warmth and passion. And despite all that's gone on in your life, you're an amazing child.’ And I wanted to embrace him, but I didn't. But I just said it quietly, but I felt such a warmth for him and a love for him. And I think for both of us, it was a real turning point because he was only a few weeks into the project when that happened.
But from that moment, he was so calm when he was around me and so open and so happy and relaxed that he didn't exhibit these so-called behaviours that he had been exhibiting before, which was his way of saying, ‘I can't cope, so I'm just going to bite you’. And ‘I can't cope with this nursery room, so I'm just going to trash it until you hear me’. But out in the garden, it was easy for me to hear him and see him. And I think in that little moment when we met eye to eye over the bumping of the heads, I knew that he then knew that I could see him.
Video 4.5 Reflection on response
Interactive feature not available in single page view (see it in standard view).
Take time to consider your emotions. Being able to provide nurturing care that is warm and compassionate is hard work. You need to consider your own wellbeing. Consider the safety advice on a flight: make sure your breathing device is fitted before you help a child! To provide the right care for children, you need to care for yourself too.
You can learn more from Elizabeth Henderson by watching a longer interview.
Download this video clip.Video player: Video 4.6
Transcript: Video 4.6 Elizabeth Henderson – Extended interview
ELIZABETH:
I always felt it was important to go with the child and what the child needed. That's not to say my practice was perfect, because it wasn't. It was as flawed as anybody else's because we learn and it's an organic process. You never know what the day is going to bring. You never know what a child is going to bring or what a family situation is going to bring.
When you meet a child at the door in the morning, to be told that grandma died last night, or you meet the child at the door in the morning to be told that a little sister had a fit that morning and has been rushed to hospital, so the child's been dropped off with Granny. How do you respond to all of that? I think firstly, you need to respond with warmth and an open heart, because if you don't, I really don't see how you can hope to educate children, because we'd be disassociating the heart from the head, and for me, my practice has always been about taking a holistic approach, of really integrating the head, the heart, the hand, and remembering that everything we experience in life is part of a process of embodiment.
And therefore, if I want a child to feel relaxed and at home in the nursery, I need to be warm and inviting and able to greet and make space. Irrespective of policy guidelines, I might be worrying about, irrespective of if there's an inspection hanging over my head, the child should really come first. The child should really be at the centre of everything that we do, not just lip service to that phrase, but actually to do it and to work from there. And I've always believed that if you actually, really work with a child respectfully and warmly and out of our experience and our knowledge, you will, in fact, meet all the guidelines and policies because your practice is rich. If you head for the policies and the guidelines and you try to make your experience with the child match that, I think you're doing it back to front, and you fail sometimes, I think, to see the child.
Video 4.6 Elizabeth Henderson – Extended interview
Interactive feature not available in single page view (see it in standard view).
Perhaps there is a child you would like to seek extra help for in your setting? Why not try to map out potential support networks for a child you are working with? What are the gaps? What do you need to find out more about? What networks do you need to build? What are the strengths you can focus on?
If you are a Lead Professional, you may want to look in more depth at your role in relation to working with children with ASN. If so, please look at the extension activity at the end of this session.
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4.3 Identifying and building a community of support