4.3 Fear of conflict or difference

In the UK in particular, many of us try to avoid the awkwardness of conflict, perhaps even seeing it as unproductive, but handled the right way it can clear the air and enhance mutual understanding. This short video from Eyes Up Training outlines the problem:

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Transcript: Video 7: Emotional Intelligence: Conflict Avoidance and Why Diversity and Inclusion keeps failing

SPEAKER:

If we want to solve racism, gender inequality, or any other type of diversity and inclusion issue, we have to solve one other issue, conflict avoidance.

One of the things that I have discovered with somebody when we have a chat is that while we are passionate about bringing change to the issue, we try to do this in a way that we don't step on any other person's feet. We try to do this without offending anybody. We try to do this without engaging in conflict. And that is not possible.

A few years ago, I started some research around the idea of conflict, and I made some discovery. Conflict avoidance is very, very strong and very, very high. 80% of people strongly avoid conflict.

Now, I ask in that research a few other questions regarding emotions and regarding setting boundaries. And there was something very suspicious about those results. People said that they would strongly avoid conflict. But some said there are really good in setting boundaries, and others said they're actually really good in dealing with their emotions in the process.

And I was wondering, for me, that doesn't work. You're either not actually really good at setting boundaries, and that's why you avoid conflict, or you can't be emotionally safe in yourself and dealing with emotions in a good way and at the same time avoid conflict.

And I wondered, what is behind this? What is the result of conflict avoidance? Actually, the result of conflict avoidance is to disconnect.

But if we want to solve racism, inequality, and all the other diversity and inclusion issues, we have to have one goal. And that is to connect. And I know from my own life, one of the best ways to learn about someone, like about learning about my wife, learning about some other people, learning about different cultures, is to take the risk and enter an arena of conflict by asking questions and by going into it.

And go into it open-minded, not for the sake of feeling offended, but for the sake of really learning about the other person, even though my questions might offend the other person. And I think this is the one thing that we need to learn if we want to solve the diversity and inclusion paradigm.

End transcript: Video 7: Emotional Intelligence: Conflict Avoidance and Why Diversity and Inclusion keeps failing

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Video 7: Emotional Intelligence: Conflict Avoidance and Why Diversity and Inclusion keeps failing

The video raises important issues such as setting boundaries, dealing with emotions and keeping an open mind.

Ridley (2020) suggests three tips for a more positive way of dealing with diversity and inclusion related conflict. All are focused on communication:

Establish a process – be clear on expected behaviours and identify a point of contact for employees to consult when a conflict arises. Communicating the process clearly will reassure staff of the organisation’s commitment.

Speak up – staying silent suggests that you support the inappropriate or hurtful comment or action. While diversity-related conversations can be uncomfortable, not speaking up allows hurt feelings and misunderstandings to fester, which leads to employees feeling they don’t belong and damages the credibility of your efforts to foster a culture of inclusion.

Engage in respectful dialogue – the aim of speaking up is to understand and bridge differences. Don’t assume the other person intended harm. Phrases such as ‘I’m curious to know what you meant by your comment’ or ‘I know you meant that to be funny, but it was hurtful to me because…’ can be useful in encouraging the other person to share their perspective. The goal is not to resolve the conflict in a single conversation, but to leave the door open for further conversations – that’s when greater meaning and deeper relationship building occurs.

This short video from Heineken illustrates the importance of communication when conflict looks like a possibility:

In the next section you’ll explore why diversity and inclusion initiatives sometimes fail.