3.5 Functions and types of affairs
In practice, affairs may serve many reasons and can have different functions, dependent on relationship history and context. Infidelity might not always be ‘caused’ by a problem (‘deficit’) – either in the relationship, or on the individual level (e.g. sex addiction, attachment issues).
As the renowned couple psychotherapist Esther Perel illustrates in her book The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity (2017), in practice we might meet seemingly healthy relationship partners, who have happy relationships yet still have affairs. To discover some of the ‘non-pathological’ types of affairs identified by Perel, based on her clinical work, try Activity 3.5.
Activity 3.5 Types of affairs
For scenarios 1, 2 and 3, select which type of affair they are from the definitions below:
Existential affairs: Affairs that open up possibilities and experiences of e.g. validation, power, confidence, freedom. Infidelity can also be seen as an act of ‘self-reclamation’ for partners suffering from a ‘de-eroticised’ self (e.g. due to focus on mother/career role, domestic familiarity) (p. 185).
Protective affairs: Infidelity as chance to escape, and maybe exit, an abusive primary relationship (‘The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage’, p. 216). Infidelity as a rebellion of the rejected (e.g. lack of sex in the primary relationship, ‘enforced celibacy’).
Stabilising affairs: Infidelity with the function to preserve the primary relationship as it helps to keep it in balance, e.g. by taking the pressure off it, or meeting needs that can’t be met in the primary relationship. However, this might sometimes imply that at least segments of the primary relationship might not be ‘healthy’ (e.g. sex life).
a.
Existential affair
b.
Protective affair
c.
Stabilising affair
The correct answer is b.
a.
Existential affair
b.
Protective affair
c.
Stabilising affair
The correct answer is a.
a.
Existential affair
b.
Protective affair
c.
Stabilising affair
The correct answer is c.
Perel argues that in addition to these three types of affairs, sometimes relationship partners might also seek affairs in the context of identity crisis or re-arrangements of their self-concept/personality. This can, for example, include searches for a new self/selves (infidelity provides ‘an alternate reality in which we can re-imagine and re-invent ourselves’, p. 155), or the return to ‘unlived life’ options (e.g. reconnecting with former exes via social media).
Pause for reflection
The understandings of infidelity that Perel proposes are quite different to the other theories of infidelity discussed to date. What is your response to them – including the idea that there can be positive reasons to have affairs?
3.4 Implicit theories of infidelity in counselling practice