4. Working therapeutically with infidelity
In this topic, we focus on what the content in Topics 1–3 means for working more effectively and confidently with individuals and couples presenting infidelity. You will learn about the various stages that may be part of a therapeutic process of working with infidelity.
While working with these clients it is especially important for practitioners to take an impartial stance and employ non-judgmental and non-blaming language. In doing so, counsellors will help their clients to ‘separate “wrong” from “hurtful” which will help [the active partner] to “acknowledge the positive aspects of her experiences, all the while taking responsibilities for the pain it caused”’ (Perel, 2017, p. 177).
Activity 4.1 Using non-blaming language
To avoid judgmental and blaming language, which of the terms below could you use in counselling when talking to Sheila, who had an affair, and her partner Amara. Click all that apply.
a.
You went behind you partner’s back
b.
You engaged in infidelity
c.
You cheated on your partner
d.
You were involved in an affair
e.
You were straying/playing around
The correct answers are b and d.
a.
Sheila played you for a fool
b.
You were betrayed
c.
Your partner engaged in infidelity
d.
You were the victim of her infidelity
e.
You found yourself at the receiving end of infidelity
The correct answers are c and e.
Discussion
Trying to use more neutral terms can feel cumbersome initially but it can help to avoid sending out implicit messages to clients about who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, and who is to blame.
Continue to Section 4.1 How infidelity affects relationship partners.