4.3 Assessment of infidelity

One of the first things that counsellors and psychotherapists do when working with clients is to try and get a broad understanding of the reasons why a person is coming into therapy. When the presenting issue is infidelity a key part of this process is to engage in an infidelity assessment. This assessment will especially be part of the initial stages of the therapy process (but continue throughout). It should provide information on the factors below that are related to the nature of the infidelity, but also focus on the meaning/function of infidelity in the relationship context. The assessment should aim to discover:

• duration of infidelity
• type of infidelity (e.g. behaviours)
• frequency of communication (e.g. number of meetings)
• location of encounters
• level of deception/secrecy
• degree of collusion by the betrayed partner (e.g. perception partner condones the affair due to an unspoken agreement)
• history of past infidelity in the relationship
• gender of the affair partner
• relationship of the affair partner to the both members of the couple
• perceived attractiveness of the affair partner
• social context of infidelity (e.g. cultural background/values of couple/partners related to infidelity).

Not every case of infidelity is alike. The specific type and meaning/function of infidelity in the relationship context (see Section 3.5 Functions and types of affairs [Tip: hold Ctrl and click a link to open it in a new tab. (Hide tip)] ) will inform the focus of your work with the clients.

In the box below you will find a range of questions that are helpful in exploring the meaning/function of infidelity (Perel, 2017) when working with a person who has had an affair.