4.4 Creating a safe place

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This is an image of a couple speaking to a counsellor. The image is cropped so that all we can see is the counsellor’s clipboard on her lap in the foreground and the couple sat next to each other in the background. The man sits with his hands resting on his lap, fingertips touching. The woman looks away from him with a tissue held in her hands, which rest on her lap.

Previously, it was suggested that the high emotions after an affair has been disclosed/discovered can create risk for the couple. For this reason, a key first task in couple therapy with infidelity is to create a safe place in which the couple can both work through and contain some of these emotions. The following activity uses the case of Rhianna and Oliver to consider how this safe space might be created.

Activity 4.5 Creating a safe space with Rhianna and Oliver

Timing: Allow 30 minutes

First watch the last two instalments of Rhianna and Oliver’s story.

Watch I-Spy episodes 4 and 5.

Imagine that after the events depicted in these films, Rhianna and Oliver come to you for couple counselling. One of the first things they tell you is that they do want to try to work together to save their marriage.

Download this video clip.Video player: I-Spy episode 4

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Transcript: I-Spy episode 4

[music playing]

[beeping]

[Text on screen: # I-Spy]

[beeping]

[Text on screen: Thursday. 11:13pm]

[system notification]

OLIVER

[sighs]

[beep]

[browser window opens]

[typing]

[Text on screen: Search. Facechatter]

[facechatter window opens]

[typing]

OLIVER

[sighs]

[Text on screen: Facechatter. Find: Minnie]

[beep]

[Text on screen: Facechatter. Minnie (Offline). Message]

[Oliver clicks on ‘message’]

[Oliver closes chat]

[beep]

[browser history window opens]

[Text on screen: History: End of Marriage; www.divorcehim.org.uk; www.husbandsandwives.org.uk; www.mywebcam/footsie.org.uk; www.facechatter.org.uk. Delete History? Yes. No]

[Oliver clicks on ‘www.husbandsandwives.org.uk’]

[TEXT ON SCREEN

Husbands & Wives. Discreet dating website for married people looking for added sexual excitement. Logged in as: Piglet]

OLIVER

'Discreet dating website for married people looking for added excitement.

[click]

[beep]

[Text on screen: 1 profile matched. Footsie. I love my wife but she doesn’t excite me sexually. Being on here allows me to remain a loyal husband and a good father to my kid. Chat History]

[Oliver looks at door]

[Oliver clicks on ‘chat history’]

[Text on screen: Footsie. Last communication: Wednesday 12.08am. Sent: mywebcam/footsie]

[Oliver clicks on ‘mywebcam/footsie]

[beep]

[webcam window opens]

[Oliver looks at door]

OLIVER

Rhianna, no.

[Oliver closes webcam window]

[BEEP]

[Facechatter window opens]

[typing]

[Text on screen: Facechatter. Find: Minnie]

[beep]

[Text on screen: Facechatter. Minnie (Offline). Message]

[Oliver clicks on ‘message’]

[typing]

[Text on screen: Oliver: Still want to meet up?]

[sighs]

[sent notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: Online]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: Finally … when?]

[typing]

[Text on screen: Oliver: tomorrow … 2pm?]

[sent notification]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: daytime rendezvous. Sexy … where?]

[typing]

[Text on screen: Oliver: I’ll call you]

[sent notification]

[Oliver looks at door]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: why now after all this time]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: What about your wife?]

OLIVER

[chuckles quietly]

[typing]

[Text on screen: Oliver: She’s already crossed the line.]

[sent notification]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: call me tomorrow]

[typing]

[Text on screen: Oliver: for sure x]

[sent notification]

OLIVER

[sighs heavily]

[Oliver closes chat]

[typing]

[beep]

[browser history window opens]

[Text on screen: History: www.divorcehim.org.uk; www.husbandsandwives.org.uk; www.mywebcam/footsie.org.uk; www.facechatter.org.uk. Delete History? Yes. No]

[Oliver clicks ‘yes’]

OLIVER

[sighs]

[disconnects]

[Text on screen: This production is entirely a work of fiction. The names of any people, products and domains referred to in it do not and are not intended to relate to any real person or products.]

End transcript: I-Spy episode 4

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I-Spy episode 4

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Download this video clip.Video player: I-Spy episode 5

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Transcript: I-Spy episode 5

[music playing]

[beeping]

[Text on screen: # I-Spy]

[beeping]

[text on screen: Friday. 1:40pm]

[system notification]

[spyware alert]

[Text on screen: Spyware Application. Enter Password:]

[typing]

[spyware alert]

[Text on screen: Play last recorded session? Yes. No.]

[Rhianna clicks on ‘yes’]

[spyware alert]

[Text on screen: Spyware playback. User: Oliver. Time: Thursday 11:13. WARNING Battery Low.]

[browser history window opens]

[Text on screen: History: End of Marriage; www.divorcehim.org.uk; www.husbandsandwives.org.uk; www.mywebcam/footsie.org.uk; www.facechatter.org.uk. Delete History? Yes. No]

[spyware alert]

[Text on screen: WARNING. Battery Low]

[Text on screen: Husbands & Wives. Discreet dating website for married people looking for added sexual excitement. Logged in as: Piglet]

[beep]

[Text on screen: 1 profile matched. Footsie. I love my wife but she doesn’t excite me sexually. Being on here allows me to remain a loyal husband and a good father to my kid. Chat History]

RHIANNA

No.

[beep]

[Text on screen: Footsie. Last communication: Wednesday 12.08am. Sent: mywebcam/footsie]

[spyware alert]

[Text on screen: WARNING. Battery Low]

[beep]

[Facechatter window opens]

[Text on screen: Facechatter. Find: Minnie]

[beep]

[Text on screen: Facechatter. Minnie (Offline). Message]

[Text on screen: Oliver: Still want to meet up?]

[sent notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: Online]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: Finally … when?]

[Text on screen: Oliver: tomorrow … 2pm?]

[sent notification]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: daytime rendezvous. Sexy … where?]

[Text on screen: Oliver: I’ll call you]

[sent notification]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: why now after all this time]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: What about your wife?]

[Text on screen: Oliver: She’s already crossed the line.]

[sent notification]

[message notification]

[Text on screen: Minnie: call me tomorrow]

[Text on screen: Oliver: for sure x]

[beep]

[browser history window opens]

[Text on screen: History: www.divorcehim.org.uk; www.husbandsandwives.org.uk; www.mywebcam/footsie.org.uk; www.facechatter.org.uk. Delete History? Yes. No]

[spyware alert]

[Text on screen: WARNING. Battery Low]

[Rhianna is on the phone]

OLIVER'S VOICEMAIL

Hi. This is Oliver. Please leave a message.

RHIANNA

Oliver, it's me. You need to call me. It's really urgent. We have to talk.

[spyware alert]

[Text on screen: ALERT. Playback session ended.]

RHIANNA

[crying] Please call me back. [sobs]

[hangs up phone]

[Rhianna clicks on spyware icon]

[Rhianna clicks on ‘track devices’]

[spyware window opens]

[Text on screen: Oliver’s Phone. RIHANNA’s Phone]

[Rhianna clicks on ‘Oliver’s phone’]

[Text on screen: Phone log. Phone location]

[Rhianna clicks on ‘phone location’]

[Text on screen: Oliver’s phone located]

[computer notification]

[tracking map window opens]

[Rhianna zooms into location marker]

[Rhianna is running down the street]

RHIANNA

Stop! Stop!

CAB DRIVER

Hi.

RHIANNA

Hi. Can you take me there?

CAB DRIVER

Yep.

RHIANNA

Do you know where it is?

CAB DRIVER

Yep, jump aboard.

[opens car door]

RHIANNA

So- do you know what this is, this place?

CAB DRIVER

That's a hotel.

RHIANNA

Is it?

CAB DRIVER

Yeah.

RHIANNA

So OK, let's go.

CAB DRIVER

All right.

[Rhianna clicks on tracking map]

[computer notification]

[Text on screen: Time to destination: 9 min. Depart 2:03pm]

RHIANNA

[sighs]

[phone ringing]

RHIANNA

Oliver, pick up. Pick up.

OLIVER'S VOICEMAIL

Hi. This is Oliver. Please leave a message.

RHIANNA

[sighs]

[Rhianna is walking down a street]

RHIANNA

[panting]

[Text on screen: Destination reached]

[Rhianna enters hotel]

RHIANNA

Erm, my husband booked us in.

HOTEL CLERK

Do you have a room number?

RHIANNA

No.

HOTEL CLERK

Oh, I'm afraid I'm gonna need a room number.

RHIANNA

His name is Oliver Styles, please.

HOTEL CLERK

Oliver Styles, he's in room 208.

RHIANNA

[sighs] Of course, he is.

[Rhianna walks into elevator]

[elevator music playing]

[Rhianna walks down corridor]

RHIANNA

[panting]

RHIANNA

This one. [sighs]

[knocks on door repeatedly]

RHIANNA

Answer the door.

[door opens]

RHIANNA

Where is he?

[Rhianna walks into room]

[door closes]

MINNIE

He's not coming.

RHIANNA

What do you mean?

MINNIE

He called from the car park. [sighs] He's been messing me around for months.

RHIANNA

Uh.

[phone ringing]

[spyware alert]

[Text on screen: WARNING. Battery Low]

[repeated spyware alert]

[phone still ringing]

[Text on phone: OLIVER]

MINNIE

Aren't you going to answer that?

[spyware alert continues]

[phone still ringing]

[spyware alert continues]

[Text on screen: Spyware shutdown]

[Text on screen: This production is entirely a work of fiction. The names of any people, products and domains referred to in it do not and are not intended to relate to any real persons or products.]

End transcript: I-Spy episode 5

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I-Spy episode 5

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Now try to answer the following questions.

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Managing the emotional responses after the revelation of an affair is one of the most challenging practical issues in working with infidelity, especially if the affair is disclosed in a counselling session. The reaction will depend on the time, place and circumstances of the disclosure and can involve highly charged emotional rages and exchanges (e.g. shock, anger, grief, pain). The task for the counsellors is to provide a safe space for the expression of these feelings and prepare the ground for the later stages of the process by containing and normalising (where appropriate) the emotions.

The work at this stage of the process might include giving the couple time and space to vent, talk about the impact of the affair, and cope with flashbacks. In collaboration with the clients, the counsellor should establish ground rules for the sessions and encourage respectful listening and non-blaming exchanges between the clients. Practitioners should also clarify whether the affair has ended or is still ongoing. If it is still ongoing practitioners need to decide if they can provide the necessary safe space for the work with the relationship partners under these circumstances.