4.5 Balancing disynchronous needs
In the early stages of working with infidelity relationship partners are often in very different places, with different perspectives on what happened. Being careful not to take sides, it can become a balancing act for the counsellor to bridge the often contrasting needs of both partners and get the relevant information and commitment from them for the next stages of the work. Try the activity below to get a feeling for this challenge.
Activity 4.6 Different client needs
For each of the statements below select whether you think it would be said by the involved partner or the partner at the receiving end.
a.
Involved partner
b.
Partner at receiving end
The correct answer is b.
a.
Involved partner
b.
Partner at receiving end
The correct answer is a.
a.
Partner at receiving end
b.
Involved partner
The correct answer is a.
a.
Partner at receiving end
b.
Involved partner
The correct answer is b.
a.
Partner at receiving end
b.
Involved partner
The correct answer is b.
a.
Involved partner
b.
Partner at receiving end
The correct answer is b.
a.
Involved partner
b.
Partner at receiving end
The correct answer is a.
a.
Partner at receiving end
b.
Involved partner
The correct answer is a.
Discussion
The statements above illustrate the different perspectives and needs of relationship partners (here a heterosexual couple where the woman had the affair) when they come to counselling because one/both of them had an affair.
As counsellor you might on one hand feel you need to be careful not to be too confrontational with your exploration of the affair details, so as not to push the involved partner into a corner and to risk being perceived by them as one-sided. On the other hand, you might feel it is equally important to meet the needs of the receiving partner and help them to express their intense feelings as well as elicit enough information about the affair so that they can get their head around what happened (Vossler and Moller, 2014).
An important aim at this stage is to help the involved partner to take responsibility for the pain caused, and to confirm the validity of the distress felt by the partner at the receiving end. This often seems like a precondition for the couple to rebuild trust and develop a shared understanding of what happened.
4.4 Creating a safe place