4.6 Exploring meanings and motives

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This is an image of two people sat on a sofa in a counsellor’s office. The image is cropped so we can only just see the counsellor sat on chair in the foreground. In the background of the image, we can see the couple sat on the sofa. The man holds his head in his hand whilst the woman gestures as she speaks.

After the initial stages, an important part of the counselling process will be helping the couple to understand and make sense of what happened and accept the new realities – a necessary step for moving on.

A main task for the counsellor at this stage is to encourage the couple to explore the meaning the infidelity has in the wider context of their relationship history and how they can integrate it in the broader geography of their life. This will include work on underlying psychological motives and relationship issues/dynamics that are related to the affair. A shared understanding and responsibility for what has happened in the relationship can empower the receiving partner and level the power balance in the relationship so that both partners can regain a sense of agency (Vossler and Moller, 2014).

Activity 4.7 Techniques to explore meanings and motives

Timing: Allow 15 minutes

Think about techniques that you could employ as a counsellor to help clients to explore the meaning of the affair for their relationship, and the motives and underlying issues that led to it. What kind of techniques could you use?

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Discussion

There are of course many different ways to help clients to develop a deeper insight into, and understanding of, infidelity and underlying factors. Here are some suggestions (you might have thought of something else/different):

  • To start the exploration process, you could provide clients with some explanatory models or frameworks, like for example the ideas/concepts you learned about in 3.4 Implicit theories of infidelity in counselling practice [Tip: hold Ctrl and click a link to open it in a new tab. (Hide tip)]   and 3.5 Functions and types of affairs, or the seven vulnerability factors for online infidelity (3.7 Characteristics of online affairs). This could help the clients to reflect on some of the issues conceptualised in these models and, if and how, they are relevant for their relationship.
  • You could use techniques from systemic therapy to introduce different perspectives and new insights and meanings for clients, like circular questioning, reframing or family sculpting (Vossler, 2010).
  • You could use experiential tasks, like the two-chair dialogue from Gestalt therapy, to engage clients in an imaginative dialogue between parts of their self (e.g. the ‘criticising self’ and the ‘criticised self’) and/or different parts of their partner’s self. This could help clients to switch roles and take different perspectives.

4.5 Balancing disynchronous needs

4.7 Post-infidelity relationship work