4.7 Post-infidelity relationship work

Working towards the re-establishment of trust between relationship partners can be complex and challenging. One task in this process is to help the clients to understand that they will not be able to restore their relationship past as it was before the affair. Instead, they need to develop a new basis and ground rules for the relationship (Vossler and Moller, 2014).

To rebuild trust both partners need to take responsibility for their parts in what happened between them and build on this, giving each other reassurances over time. For the partner who engaged in the affair, this can involve them sincerely apologising and reassuring their partner of their commitment to change. For the partner at the receiving end, it might involve the need to release the feelings of anger and resentment and step away from their ‘right’ to punish their partner.

Working on the issues brought up by infidelity can be seen as an opportunity for couples to develop a different and deeper relationship with greater openness and awareness of each other’s feelings. However, due to the emotional damage caused by the crisis and the often complex interplay of underlying issues, it will not always be possible, or in the partners’ best interest, to rescue their relationship. It is therefore important for counsellors not to presuppose what the counselling outcome should be, as what constitutes the ‘right’ outcome will depend on the individuals concerned.

Based on her own experience as couple psychotherapist in New York, Esther Perel (2017, p. 291) has outlined three different types of relationships couples may have if they decide to stay together after an affair. To learn more, try Activity 4.8.

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