1.7 The process of being trapped in an abusive relationship
When domestic abuse is discussed, people will sometimes question why a person becomes involved in an abusive relationship. Research into the experiences of domestic abuse survivors shows that there is a process whereby control is exercised over the survivor and dependency encouraged, until the survivor is unable to leave the relationship or may not recognise its abusive nature.
Sometimes the process is so gradual that the survivor does not realise they are being controlled until another person points it out, such as a police officer (if the police have been called to an incident) or a support worker. If they realise what has happened whilst talking to a legal representative or someone involved in the court process, it may appear to an outsider that they have ‘suddenly made it up’, perhaps to get
When supporting a survivor of coercive and controlling behaviour, particularly where the behaviour has become more controlling over time, it is important to look at the whole picture and to appreciate that sometimes survivors may not realise everything what has happened to them.
Remember it is not our role to ‘diagnose’ domestic abuse. Understanding the process of control can help you identify when someone may need some additional support away from the court. You can signpost them to appropriate support organisations. It will also help you to support clients to be able to explain to the court what has happened to them.
Find Out More
According to research there are similarities between the tactics used by abusive partners and those used by the Chinese military to elicit “false confessions” from the “brainwashed” American prisoners of war held during the Korean War in the 1950s. Read more about domestic abuse theories [Tip: hold Ctrl and click a link to open it in a new tab. (Hide tip)] and some other models of domestic abuse.
Radio and TV presenter, Lauren Laverne, a survivor of domestic abuse, describes the process of becoming trapped into an abusive relationship. She says:
“What I remember most about emotional abuse is that it’s like being put in a box. How you end up in there is the biggest trick. Maybe you think it’s a treasure box at first: you’re in there because you’re special.
“Soon the box starts to shrink. Every time you touch the edges there is an “argument”. So, you try to make yourself fit. You curl up, become smaller, quieter, remove the ‘offensive’ parts of your personality. You eliminate people and interests, change your behaviour. But still the box gets smaller. You think it’s your fault.”
Activity 7
Lauren is describing the process of being trapped in an abusive relationship. At first, the perpetrator makes the survivor feel special and wanted, so she starts to change her behaviour to please him. Making herself fit and the resulting isolation from other people and environments then causes her to rely on the perpetrator for everything. She doesn’t believe she can do anything for herself.
Through the emotional abuse she is made to believe she needs him. And eventually, she is trapped in this box, a box no one else can see. She doesn’t realise that the box is shrinking, or who is making it smaller at first. She doesn’t yet understand that she will never, ever be tiny enough to fit, or silent enough to avoid a row - no matter what she does or changes.
Activity 8
Thinking about your volunteering, have you supported a client who has described this process of becoming trapped in an abusive relationship? Why did they not recognise the abusive nature of the relationship?
Comment
Your response will vary depending on your volunteering experiences and the types of client you have worked with. However, many workers experienced in supporting clients who domestic abuse survivors will recognise this process of incremental control until the survivor is unable to recognise the abusive behaviour or leave the relationship, due to the control and dependency the perpetrator has established.
1.6 Identifying domestic abuse in Jazmin’s case