I was sat in a meeting the other day and one of the other attendees started a conversation with me about my recent success in publishing. I realised they had me confused with another South Asian woman who I had worked with previously. They apologised and we moved on. However, this incident had a lasting impact on me which the person won’t ever realise and probably wouldn’t have thought of.

A simple case of mistaken identity, no harm done, and I laughed it off, so they didn’t feel uncomfortable. I couldn’t help but wonder whether they had mixed me up with someone else because we’re both Brown women working at the same institution. Is this an example of a microaggression – a commonplace verbal, behavioural or environmental slight, which in this instance was unintentional but which communicates negative, hostile or derogatory attitudes towards those of different races, cultures, beliefs or genders?

If this had been a one-off occurrence (it’s important to note here this was the first time this person has confused me with someone else), I would be inclined to think that it is just a matter of confusion, and easily done. However, racially marginalised people experience microaggressions such as these daily and often ‘allow’ them to be laughed off, ignored, and they go unchallenged because of the emotional labour and strength it takes to call it out.

This has happened to me more than once. In fact, in the very same week a member of staff sent an email to a group of people and confused me with another Brown woman to whom the email probably shouldn’t have gone. Had that person forgotten my role, my name, or were they having a moment of brain fog? Or perhaps it was intentional, and they meant to send the email to the other woman, even though they weren’t directly related to the discussion? I won’t ever know because I didn’t challenge it, and when another colleague mentioned it in their reply to the email, the colleague who sent the original email didn’t get in touch to apologise or acknowledge they had got it wrong. Perhaps I should have questioned it, but why is the responsibility placed on the marginalised to question?

I remember meeting some of my eldest daughter’s classmates and their parents when she went into year 7. One of the mums had invited us all over for coffee. There was another Brown woman there, and rather than us being introduced to each other (we had never met before) the host commented ‘Oh, and you both must know each other’. Why, because we’re both Brown? What an odd assumption to make. She hadn’t made that assumption of the other mums who were white, so clearly this was a microaggression. The other Brown woman and I raised our eyebrows at each other and shrugged our shoulders, but really, this isn’t good enough.

Don’t get me wrong, I often get emails sent to the wrong Rehana, and I’m ok with that because Outlook is fickle and it’s easy to select the wrong name from the drop-down menu or to get someone’s surname wrong. I even admit to getting my children’s names mixed up all the time, I often confuse them with the dog and vice-versa! However, I’m not at home or dashing madly about juggling 101 things, I’m at work where I expect people to have enough respect and interest to know my name, know that I am different to someone else of colour and have the decency to recognise when they have got it wrong and apologise (as in the first instance). It is important for white people to recognise the impact they have on Black and Brown people when these things happen and to mitigate that impact.

We all must work harder at understanding each other, the different experiences we live through and how they affect people distinctly.