2.2 Question types

Another way of encouraging people to talk and showing you are interested as Pooky suggests is by asking ‘open questions’ rather than ‘closed questions’. An open question invites a free choice of answer, whereas a closed question tends to elicit a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. Compare the two questions below:

1. Did you play football today at school?
2. How did you find school today?

It would be easy to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the first, whereas the second question could open up a range of different answers.

There are also times when a carefully worded observational statement can encourage a young person to confide in you: ‘I’ve noticed you haven’t been catching up with many of your friends, seems like things are difficult at the moment’ (Stem4, n.d., p.1)

Quite often, the challenge is to know what to say next, and how much time you should give if there is a period of silence. Epic Friends, a website that guides young people to support one another, makes the following suggestions for good listening:

• Giving people the space to talk, by not interrupting.
• Don’t immediately dash in with reassurance and solutions.
• Acknowledge what the person is saying, by simply stating what you think you have heard, e.g. ‘it sounds like you don’t know what to do’.
• Notice how you are feeling as you listen, and whether your emotional responses are stopping you from listening properly. (Epic Friends, n.d.)

As a parent or caregiver, it can be easy to feel defensive or guilty when a young person who is close to you shares dark or troubling thoughts. It’s quite normal for parents to feel responsible and to find it difficult to disentangle their desire to ‘solve a problem’ or their fears about being part of the problem, from the process of allowing a young person find their own solution. Bringing your own background anxieties into the conversation can limit your ability to listen openly. Removing your self-defence filters and focusing back to the young person next to you can help them immensely.

It can be easier for therapists than parents to handle a young person’s difficult thoughts and emotions because they are not personally involved in the young person’s life. In Session 8, you’ll learn more about how trained therapists can help. In the next activity you’ll consider how you might approach a difficult conversation and be an ‘anchor’; for your own child or a young person you are working with.

Activity _unit7.2.3 Activity 4: ‘Be a child’s anchor’

Timing: Allow about 30 minutes

Watch Video 4, in which two workers from the YoungMinds Parents Helpline share tips for approaching difficult conversations. Then, work through steps a,b and c below.

Download this video clip.Video player: Video 4: Difficult Conversations - Roundup | YoungMinds Parents Lounge

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Transcript: Video 4: Difficult Conversations - Roundup | YoungMinds Parents Lounge

JO

Hello, I’m Jo. I’m head of parents services at Young Minds.

SARAH

I’m Sarah. I’m on the help line volunteers and part of the training consultancy team.

JO

And we’re talking today about having difficult conversations with your children. YoungMinds is about to launch our Take20 campaign, and that is about parents finding the time once a week to take 20 minutes to do an activity with your child or young person in order to open up conversations about mental health and emotional well-being. So Sarah, why is it difficult for parents to talk to their children about mental health?

SARAH

I think very often parents will feel it’s a reflection of them on their parenting if their young person is struggling. Very often parents haven’t had experience of talking about their own mental health and therefore it’s not a comfortable conversation to have. I think sometimes parents fear that by talking about it, they might make it worse. But actually it’s really, really important that we do talk to our young people. A problem shared really is a problem halved. Perhaps together you can work a way forward and look for a solution, let your young person know that you’re on their side. So it’s actually really important.

JO

Does the age of a child make a critical difference in how you should approach talking to them?

SARAH

Well, it will do. I think all advice has to be age appropriate. I think certain rules apply to all such as validating a young person’s feelings, whether they’re 5 or 15, it’s really important to acknowledge what they’re feeling is real for them. Their fear or their anxiety is absolutely real for them even if you don’t share it. But there are more difficult issues that come very often with teenagers for example.

JO

Well, it’s good to say, so teenagers who often don’t want to engage, are really uncommunicative, should parents keep trying? What’s the best way to approach talking to a teenager?

SARAH

Well, they absolutely should keep trying. I think the door has to always be open. I think your young person needs to know that. I think it’s about trying to find strategy that will work with that young person, not all teenagers are the same. Some parents try a sort of eye contact approach. So it might be whilst walking along because you tend to walk side by side with somebody or in the car when there is no eye contact but you’ve got that 20 minutes on the football run or whatever it is. So trying different strategies. If they rarely want to have a conversation, you could try writing to them, send him an email or text sending them resources.

JO

And we talk about early intervention. And actually, no matter what you do as a parent, you might not avert problems happening because we know that all sorts of things trigger mental health. So by no means, is this going to be the cure all for everything. But why is it important to lay those foundations of good communication?

SARAH

I think for everybody sake, so that the young person feels supported. If they don’t feel supported and surrounded with love at home, it’s not going to help them with whatever else they’re facing. So I think it’s really, really important that home can be--

JO

And they’re more likely to come back to you when they need it. I think often you have to spell it out to a child, don’t do that, especially as they become more independent. You actually have to tell them and give them those opportunities so that they actually do really know you’re there.

SARAH

Yes, and don’t assume they do know something just because you’re thinking. It it’s OK to say I can see you’re not in the mood to talk, but I am always here whenever you are. Or if you ever feel there isn’t a solution, sometimes adults can come up with solutions that you might not have thought about. So really spell it out to them.

JO

We’ve got 5 top tips for parents. Do you want to crack on a few of those?

SARAH

Yes. I would say number one is you can always have a general conversation approach to acknowledge what’s going on without it being directly at them. So it might just be very generally about, I know you’re 10 and 11 or whatever school year they’re in, is really stressful. I can see that it must feel like a wall of work. So you can keep the conversations very, very general without firing questions at them.

I think number two is to be very, very honest. Be honest. I know this is difficult to talk about. Sometimes I feel like this. It’s OK to say things, but be honest about it as well because the more honest you are, the more honest they will be in return. Number 3, I would say always validate their feelings, whatever it is they’re feeling. Don’t brush it aside by saying you don’t need to worry about that. They are worrying about it. It’s really important that you say, yeah, I can see that’s really, really difficult for you. I can see that you’re struggling with that. It makes a huge difference to validate somebody’s feelings.

Number four. Reassure them with love, support, hope, you are there for them, you love them, you’re on their side, you can work through this together, and whatever else happens, you’re with them in this. And number five, it’s not always about providing a solution instantly. And again, you can be honest about that. I can’t solve this overnight, but I am with you. We can look at all the problems and all the pathways together. But it’s not necessarily about coming up with a solution.

JO

Great. Thank you so much. So the campaign Take20, there’s going to be a lot of information on our website. There are four key messages with that, we talked about them today. Be your child’s anchor. There is so much comfort and stability and reassurance in routine. Be part of the solution. Be involved in your child’s life. Go and ask questions, go and talk to your GP. Don’t be fobbed off that easily.

Act on warning signs. You know your child best. You’re your child’s expert. If there’s been either a sudden or a dramatic or a slow change, things have changed and they aren’t getting better, do something about it. Talk to somebody and actually take care of yourself. It’s really important as a parent that you are strong and that you are able to provide the care that you need to look after your child. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you.

 

End transcript: Video 4: Difficult Conversations - Roundup | YoungMinds Parents Lounge

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Video _unit7.2.3 Video 4: Difficult Conversations - Roundup | YoungMinds Parents Lounge

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a. Identify one suggestion from the presenters that helps to put your mind at rest, and make a note of it here:

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b. Identify the five ‘top tips’ and summarise them below.

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Discussion

Here are five tips mentioned in the video:

1. Engage first in a ‘general’ conversation rather than diving in about an issue.
2. Be honest that something is difficult and that you also find it difficult.
3. Always validate the other person’s feelings, which means accepting that the emotions they are feeling are real to them.
4. Reassure them with love, support, hope, offering the message that you are there for them.
5. It’s not always about providing solutions instantly.

c. Make a note of one phrase that you will find particularly useful.

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Discussion

Here’s an example: ‘I know this is difficult to talk about…’ Read on to discover suggestions for conversation starters.