2.1 What is self-expansion?
Self-expansion is the idea that through our interpersonal relationships we actually gain resources (both physical resources but also social resources) that help us to achieve the things we want to achieve in life (e.g. Aron and Aron, 1997; Lewandoski and Aron, 2002). While this might sound rather mercenary when put on paper, a good way to reflect on this is by selecting an example from our own experience.
Activity 1 What’s in it for me?
Take a moment to select one of your close personal relationships. The first one that pops into your head is fine for this activity.
Write a list of the ‘resources’ you have gained as a result of your friendship with that person. This doesn’t just mean physical things that they have given you but instead try to think more broadly about things like social connections, interests, hobbies or knowledge they might have that you are able to access, and so on.
For example, your friendship with Sandra might have started because you first met in the woods walking your dogs, which could sometimes be a little lonely but you now have a friend to share some of the walks with. Sandra might also have put you in touch with a friend of hers who does dog sitting, and that might have changed your life because you now have someone reliable to dog sit, meaning that you can join the darts team you were interested in playing in on a Tuesday night.
The examples you select don’t have to be quite so practical as this one. They might include a particular friend having introduced you to other people who have since become friends and so on.
Note down your thoughts. Spend just ten minutes on this activity.
Discussion
It’s likely that the resources you have listed above are examples of how you might have expanded your own sense of self through your relationship with someone else in the real world.
Self-expansion opportunities gained through our relationships in the real world are argued to be so important that they might actually contribute to our initial attraction towards other people, as well as the motivation to continue the relationship. This is particularly argued to be the case when the person provides experiences that are novel or challenging (Mattingly, McIntyre and Lewandowski, 2012). It is likely that to be attracted to someone initially you need to be sufficiently similar to that person and also to have a sense that the person can also offer you the potential for growth. In short, we want people to be similar enough to make us think that we will get along, but different enough to make us find them interesting. Not only that, but the experience of the growth we obtain from other people is said to improve how we feel, which then translates to how happy we feel with the relationship (Reissman, Aron and Bergen, 1993).